fully feeling, rooted in delight

I am not great at walking through what I am feeling. A lot of time it feels like stepping forward while under the weight of heavy quilt. In the dark. It’s hard to see, scary, and a little disorienting. Point blank, it’s an area the Lord and I have to work on daily. I am floored by his patience to sit with me and talk through what lies i’m believing, and what truth and authority I can speak to reject those lies.

“sometimes the shame of feeling is more damaging

than the actual feeling”

I heard this said not to long ago, and it really struck a chord with me. Mainly because it was calling out something I didn’t realize was inside me. Often when problems, hard things, and unfortunate circumstances arise I am afraid to feel the full weight of what is happening out of the fear of it showing that I am not being “faithful”. Looking at scripture is a pretty good indicator that faithful believers didn’t magically loose human emotion. In psalms, we see David cry out frequently for the Lord’s protection and provision, in Judges we see a picture of Gideon frantically calling out for affirmation of the Lord’s voice, and even in the new testament, the disciples were frustrated and confused constantly. Tension brings beauty and song; take the tension out of an instrument and no longer has something to say. 

For me, this cycle of straying from fully embracing and working through issues is damaging and not helpful at all. Saying things like, “Carissa, don’t you know that you shouldn’t feel that disappointment, don’t doubt the Lord.” or “its fine, you’re fine, God is good”, and while these statements are true, they are coping with the reaction, not the root. Recently Abba has been reteaching me how to feel things, without holding onto the shame that satan so desperately wants me to believe.

I’ll be the first to say, I struggle in fear of my emotion. Or at least, I did. Not in the sense that didn’t feel them or did not want to, but it’s just that I was a pro at skipping around them instead of through them. It’s a lot easier that way.

 In the knowledgeable words of Dory, “Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag going up. Something’s telling me we should swim through it, not over it.” (charge me as guilty, Dory)

I’ve been walking through some stretching things lately. Things that are catalysts for me growing immensely. In these past few weeks I have felt so frustrated with my emotion. Equating acknowledging insecurity or fear to “doubting” my God. Getting upset that I wasn’t processing “correctly” or that my feelings were out of line; I started to judge myself and compare myself to others. I gave into the voice that said I was behind and lacking. Eventually, I came to realize through the Lord asking me “why are you scared of what you’re feeling” that what I was feeling wasn’t doubt, it was shame. The Lord kept showing up in moments of this shame and tipping my chin up to meet his eyes. It was through these times in the word and with God that reminded me that He isn’t afraid of my raw emotion and messy life, that all he wants is my best try and yes slid across the table.

Isaiah 61:7 there is hope passed for shame. 

Instead of your shame you shall have a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion; everlasting joy will be yours.

Jesus Christ felt the full weight of betrayal, disappointment, and sorrow throughout his life. Good news, we can too. Despite satan’s best attempt to convince us otherwise, hurting fully doesn’t make us less than, it makes us human. We WILL fall short daily, but luckily Jesus died to cover areas we are weak in. 

Even in the garden of Gethsemane where he is weeping for what is to come, we see him cry out to his Dad in turmoil. Yet at no point do we see God call down in harshness and say “Son, didn’t we talk about this? The very thing you are weeping over is the reason you are on earth”. No, we see a son and a father, hurting together. Connected so closely that Jesus is not afraid to bring his emotion to the foot of his dad. Yet so grounded in his delight that he knew that above what he was feeling, his father’s will would redeem his trial. His grief did not mean he was separated from God, it meant he was close enough to be completely honest, that he trusted enough to ask for help. Even though I have read this passage a bunch of times, something new was revealed to me this time: our emotions do not mean we are weak. Quite on the contrary, looking at Jesus I was reminded of how strong he had to be to cry out to the Lord. Feeling feelings deeply isn’t the problem, it’s wallowing in the shame that hides what our heart knows is true. If the son of God needed help with his feelings of fear and uncertainty then I sure do too. Often I forget that the God we serve is also our heavenly Dad, and that in moments when we hurt he hurts right alongside us.

 For a long time “speaking truth” over my insecurities looked a lot like pushing them down up and capping the lid. Things like “perfect love casts out fear” and “cast your anxieties on him” were anthems I repeated to subdue my flawed and human emotions. Yet recently God has been showing me its ok to lean into those emotions, because I am rooted in his delight of me. Psalm 149:4 says:

“For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns 

the humble with victory.” 

Once I was grounded myself in what he thought of me, putting my daughter-ship above all else, the shame of feeling melted away. He reminded me that nothing I can think or feel can surprise him because he is the one who placed my thoughts and wired me how I am made.

A lot of times, the very things I try to hide from him, often end up being the most beautiful testimonies of who he is as a father and as a creator. God wanted so bad to know you, that being on earth through Jesus wasn’t enough. He wanted to get inside you in the form of the Holy Spirit. He’s closer than the air in your lungs, don’t hide from him, he welcomes all your “not enough” and “failure”. I hope if you also struggle with these same things can read this and feel the peace of the Lord and find truth in these words. Let us be a people who are constantly grounding ourselves in the delight of our heavenly Dad and marching boldly into his presence.

A while back I wrote these lyrics as a conversation to God. I was just strumming and they kinda flowed out of me like I was talking and he was sitting next to me smiling back. I felt with this blog that I should share them 🙂

So here’s this super simple song I named, “Conversations with Abba”, well, because that’s what it is. Inspired by psalm 139 and a sweet realization.

Thank you for being my heavenly Dad, for catching my tears, seeing my rags, and all of my fears they’re no match for dad

I love u, you make me laugh, you show me beautiful sights all around, mountain top, kites, little trees, and towns

you gave me peace that passes all understanding, a trust I don’t really get, a big brain to think the things that i’m thinking, and love that doesn’t really make sense

I love you Abba, I love the way that u love, I wanna grow to be just like you, serving in the valleys and the hill tops

you always pick me on your team, cause your love is never a test, when I strike out at bat you give me a pat, u know some days i’ll need rest

when I scrape my knee, you pick me up, you don’t care if i’m not the best, Dad your love isn’t based on what I do, just that in your kid and I love u

I love you, somehow you never get mad, even when I can’t see you standing there I know you’re still cheering for your kid

Because I know there’s no place I can go, no place to far, if I ask darkness to hide me it always says no

no match for your light, it’s always finding, the brightness in me that’s always hiding

every knee will bow all my fears and trial, no match for truth you hid inside us, even the darkest shores and deepest oceans, can’t keep me away from waves of i’m chosen  

I wanna love you as much as you love, I wanna chase you, and get all the hugs

I love you dad, thanks for chasing me down, taking my sad, opening doors, saying im rad, i love to be yours

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With love, 

                C