I am sitting in the Panama city airport, March 4, 2020. We started traveling 3 days ago, and later today I will step foot in my last country (and last 3 months) on the race. I have been bad about blogging, quite frankly because it’s hard to sum up life when it’s constantly moving and very much so the most fluid it’s ever been. I hope to give you all more updates soon, fingers crossed.
I’ll be transparent: Asia was hard. Really hard. Between being sick in Myanmar, moving 4 times in Thailand, and hitting what we on the race call the “B-zone” – things could maybe be compared to a rushing river; unknown airpockets everywhere, unexpected rocks, and moments hard truth.
A consistent theme in Thailand was failure. Super fun. I had a lot of trials, a lot of times I felt helpless, and a ton of “Jesus I need you to show up” moments. Something I was taught super quickly by the Lord: in order to fail well, you have to be tethered to who you are in the Lord. I can do nothing without Him, I can press on only with the strength he has alloted me. So I wrote a little letter, somewhere during my time in the village, to my good friend failure.
“To: the days I fail, and they will come. Either woven inbetween the mundane of life or full force and all at once. The days where I fail at relationship, where I hurt the people I love. The days where I can’t communicate well. The days where I don’t even know what i’m trying to ask the holy spirit to help with. Days when I give and recieve feedback poorly. The times when literally everything at once decides to slide off the mountain, days when all I have left is the bare rock of Jesus to stand on. To the days when I fail to take things to the Lord first, when frustration tells me how to act, when lies sound like booming voices. To the days that make me almost believe that I am a victum to my circumstances. To those days, when all I know is that the sun rose that morning simply because our God is a God of order – even when my thoughts are fighting for the opposite. On those days that I fail, and they happen often, thank you Jesus that you’re enough. Thank you that the sheep get to know the voice of their shepard and his overwhelming character. Holy Spirit thank you that you swallow up the lies of the enemy. To the days I fail, Jesus thank you that i’m tethered to the truth of my identity; that failing doesnt make me a failure. Thank you that failing doesnt mean I quit, but that I get to try again with a new zeal. To the days I fail, thank you for giving me perserverence, and more reverence for God, and for more grit. Jesus thank you for teaching me how to fail well, help me to continue to do it, full of more grace and fresh eyes. To the days I fail hard, my God redeems even you. “
Failing isn’t fun. But it is something that refines us as people. It isn’t always huge catostrophic things either. Often, it’s under the surface. Like having good actions, with bad intentions. Or letting obligation rise above love. Sometimes it’s miscommunication, sometimes it’s innocent, sometimes it’s living with people 24/7 and being annoyed. Sometimes it’s knowing the right thing, or the thing the Lord asked, and not doing it. Sometimes its blaming and playing the victim to what’s going on. Through this time of hard things, the Lord showed up in this one truth: what are you tethered to?
One night we had a prayer activity with this guy named Andrew. He talked about identity; because it changes everything. He talked about how if we think and act like our actions and circumstance affect our idenity we will be tethered to them. And who wants to be tied to those lies? It’s like wearing dirty rags when the king is trying to adorn us in royal clothes. Or, alternatily, it’s like tieing ourselves to a sinking anchor. The only thing we should be tethered to is the truth of who he calls us to be. OUR IDENTITY!!! I imagine it to be this huge rock floating in the ocean, sure and secure. It is such a simple yet complex thing. Because if we know who he says we are, sons and daughters whose lives are written down in the book of life, NOTHING CAN SHAKE US. Nothing changes or taints how he sees us.
Failure doesnt change our identity. Circumstance doesnt change our identity. Throwing fits and not walking out who we are, DOESN’T CHANGE OUR IDENTITY. Why? Because Jesus stands in where we fall short!!!! Even after those days, I can pray “Jesus thank you for being truth. Thank you that I am not a failure because I messed up. Thank you that you empowered me to fail, and own it, knowing you take me back everytime.” You mean you can walk into his presence after screwing up, and hold no shame? Yes, because it’s not about what we do, but what he did. When I relized that the only thing I am steadily tethered to, is my identity I was able to fail well. Or at least better each time.
It looked a lot like hard conversations, and a lot like owning where I messed up, asking for forgivness and asking how to be better. I am always going to be a work in progress with this – I think we all are – but what a relief it is to know that our identity is seperate from what we do. It gives us freedom to try boldly with the Lord.
Even as I took the flight out of Thailand, I had this come to life. Among the slur of other anxieties rising up, I had that overwhelming, “what if there was more to do?” thought come into my mind. So I asked Jesus what he said about it and he said “you still have my delight”, a phrase he uses often to realign me with my identiy. I love that he always points his kids back to their identity, not their situation. Because he knows if we can be tethered to who we are, it doesn’t matter where they end up.
Carissa
P.s.
At the end of that one night Andrew asked us to ask the Lord what he liked about us, and then, what he loves about each of us.
Do you know who he says you are? You should ask him 🙂
This is SO GOOD! Thank you for sharing this! Failures are necessary on the path to holiness. Even Jesus “couldn’t” minister in his own home town. What?! Jesus can do anything yes, but he had to experience the rejection so that we can have fellowship with his sufferings. So glad y’all are in a new place and praying the past failures will be stepping stones to His purposes!!